Our worst secrets and biggest flaws are those that only show up in the most dangerous and self-doubtful self-loathing of moments. To see this place, one must doubt themselves, hate themselves, lose faith and have ire for all while not being anywhere near the now. Things that go bump in the night cannot be defeated in the daylight, because they are ,quite simply, not there.
It is human desire to progress, to grow, bloom, and be more than we were in the yesterday and eat better and see better and dance better and so on. As the universe grows on, we wish to do so also. I used to fantasize, when I was a young child, about having a million dollars and being able to buy all the toys then about being able to fly then being able to do whatever I want. And it was fun, for the moments when I thought about having things I cannot have but once I got used to the idea well then the thrill goes away. There is not much facet in fantasy for it is made up and the details are in one’s head. The new part is fun but the reality is not however I came to see that after a while, a challenge was what made life worth living. When things get hard, and go against you, when there is a puzzle or mystery to be solves does fun and a true enjoyment manifest. I shall try another means of explaining this because it deserves such attention.
I wondered at a young age what the point of life was. How I hated it, always trying to do the best at math and in sports and in making my parents happy and always coming up second best. Two ways I say that for. First off because there will always be someone better unless some astronomical state of being and relentless training comes about. The other way is more important. To be the best would mean being rewarded for it, I thought, but I was only doing it for the reward and not the worth of the activity itself. True happiness in running comes from running. Beating someone else is good if the someone else is a lion or trying to hurt you but that is not the happiness of running in itself. However running and jumping around buildings, and not dying, or pretending to do be on giant buildings but really being on some rocks in the park, is even more immensely joyous. That is because there is something being overcome. As with all stories there is a problem, I could die by falling off the building and onto the soft ground in the park. Now far from this park is my wonderment with why life exists and I am something of convinced that it exists only because death exists. Well, not because but one entails the other existing but to not be only dead, that being lifeless or happily ever after, for that isn’t real life but fantasy and nobody gives a rat’s ass about, is to have a problem to deal with. There is stress, there is clash, there is mystery. You cannot have life without death and you cannot have a story without a problem to either understand, explain, solve or otherwise dive into. So here is the necessity of problems leading to the existence of existence.
Back to the orbiting I am suggesting. The farther we grow as people means the darker the darkness we can brave. And return. Becoming a fuller being is being able to go farther in this world! Now of course to go farther, you must be more ready and the farther you go will tug and tear and push and pressure you because if you can’t fit through the door then you can’t come in. And the door gets more complicated the older you get. The tests into the harder colleges get harder. The more complicated ships won’t operate lest you know how to run the engine. The most peaceful and blissful of states won’t be unless you can let go and stay present at the same time. So orbit yourself but let yourself go deep into your angers and fears. See the places you have failed and hated yourself? No, probably not because your brain wants you to forget it. It is hard to remember both because you were not fully attentive and that you felt so bad in that place. Your truest weaknesses show themselves because you think you don’t want to be there. This is where you will grow most.
So to be greater one more step from the space you stand is simple and erroneously laden with contradictions and evil. Look where you wish you forgot. Which is hard when searching your feelings but easy when tracing your past. Or easier… because you will have eradicated most memory of failure and pain because that is how traumas work. The human mind does not want to remember and if it did, it would have solved it. But looking at your record, it is quite clear to see. That relationship that failed, that conversation you messed up, that job you didn’t get, that group of people you offended, that amazing trip you gave up on. Where did that fail most and what can you do to get better? Well, you have to go back and since you can’t time travel and ,likely, the mind won’t show precise information of the past. So you need to venture forth to where you will faith again.
Did I mention that all of this is a great excuse to when something does fuck up in your face to giving reason as to why you planned it? I am glad I didn’t mention that.
In our darkest of moments, plant and see from a satellite about yourself. Don’t leave yourself but take into not all which is going on. Dive into the data sheets on your temperament, speech pattern, emotional trends, thought train’s rails and headings. Don’t be overwhelmed but be studious. Because as bad as it feels in this place, it is a classroom for you to get the degree to employee you into your biggest shoes; yet. This is not a test, this is real life and you’re doing great by failing because it means you’re trying hard.
