Not wanting to do something and not being able to do something are two totally different things.
I don’t want to eat.
I can’t sleep.
I don’t want to talk.
I can’t feel.
I don’t want to try.
I can’t pretend anymore.
Actually, now that I think about it… it is the power of not being able to eat that causes me not to eat.
It’s the voice in my head telling me that I’m not allowed to eat, like a mother tells a child regarding dessert before dinner.
It is the voice in my head that mimics my own voice to sound that much more personal and true.
It is the voice in my head that tells me that doing harmful things to my body is for the best.
Having an eating disorder is a horrific and murderous battle in which you are your own ally and your own enemy.
Having an eating disorder is like having a personal assistant that you didn’t hire or want.
This personal assistant convinces you that she wants what is best for you and not to worry about a thing, for she will take care of it all.
You don’t even have to think, for she will make decisions for you.
She’ll pick out your clothes.
She’ll take you shopping for new clothes when you don’t fit in your old ones anymore.
She’ll be your best friend, so she’ll help you get rid of your other friends.
She’ll shop for groceries.
She’ll tell you what to get from Chilli’s.
She’ll help you control yourself on holidays.
She’ll keep it real with you: she’ll tell you what looks good on you and what doesn’t.
You don’t even have to talk to anyone because she tells you what they’re all thinking.
And dating? Forget it! No need! She doesn’t ever leave your side.
She’s like the best friend you never had… and never wanted.
She’s the personal assistant you never hired and can never fire.
Having an eating disorder is having too much power and not being able to channel proper use of it, consistently.
Having the power to alter your life: for better or for worse.
Having the power to save your life, or end it.
You have the shield and the gun.
You have the pencil and the eraser.
You have the solution and the toxin.
You have the potential to draw a beautiful scene on a virgin canvas…
but you also have the power to erase it all.
Erase all of that progress, growth, and hard work and revert back to where you started.
But when you do erase all of the progress you’ve made with something as common and expected as a relapse, it is not as if all of the progress you’ve made is meaningless.
Still be proud of yourself for only going to the bathroom when you really had to pee and not to purge.
Be proud of yourself for opening up to your friends…
even if some of them pushed you away.
Be proud of yourself for suffering and surviving through people not thinking for a second that you even have an eating disorder because you don’t look the part.
Acknowledge the battles you’ve faced, but don’t dwell on them.
Acknowledge the battles you’ve fought, but more importantly, the victories you’ve achieved.
It’s ok to erase sometimes.
Everyone does it.
Just come back with a sharpened pencil.
