Speechless

I wonder what it’s like to say the words “I want to kill myself” and not have any emotional attachment to the phrase.
To say you want to kill yourself as a joke because work is slow.
To say you want to kill yourself because you embarrassed yourself with your friends.
News flash. This just in: To say that you want to end your so very valuable life, IS NOT A JOKE!
So how is it so easy for one guy to say it jokingly, but so hard for another to fathom the words to his therapist?
Why do people throw those five words around more than a kid does a baseball?
Why are those five words so easily rolled off of the tongue in such a relaxed manner?
One person says “I want to kill myself” and she means she is experiencing utter embarrassment or perhaps boredom.
Another girl says “I want to kill myself” and is rushed to the ER because of her emotional and mental health state.
Here we are just all in the same pool, swimming in similar directions, wearing similar bathing suits.
Some will get by and some won’t make it.
All due to blending in.
How can I just keep swimming when all I’ve been taught is how to drown?
I wonder what life is like for them…
for those people who can just say those five words without choking up.
Without turning red.
Without being terrified that someone will catch on but secretly hoping that someone will.
I wonder what life is like for those individuals who can fool around with terms such as “bipolar” and “cutting” and think nothing of it…
I’d like to call attention to those people who reply to impatience with, “did you take your meds today?”
I’d like to call attention to those people who say, “she’s crazy” so fluidly to describe someone who is just having a bad day.
And to all of the people who ever say “kill yourself” as a fucking joke, just know, you are the furthest thing from comical.
In reality, some of us hear those words every damn day from therapists and doctors and counselors and the negative voices inside our God damn heads.
What different lives we lead, but with oddly similar vocabulary.