I was in college the first time I was told by a doctor that I should consider medication.
I was away from home
Across the country, in fact
My diagnosis at the time was that I was homesick
homesick…
At the time,
I thought that assumption made sense
I had never been on my own before
My parents had always tracked every step I took
And then all of a sudden,
I moved across the country and tell a doctor that I’m sad a lot.
so he tells me that I’m homesick
Going to college in California was the most selfish thing that I have ever done
It taught me that being selfish is not always a bad thing
That ‘selfish’ is not a bad word
And that I may feel bad sometimes, but I am not a bad person.
Ages 18-22 were the most memorable years of my life
I fell in love for the first time
I saw my first therapist
I got cheated on
I hurt myself because people hurt me
… and I thought that made sense
I started writing
I was hospitalized over night
I wore what I wanted to wear
I broke someone’s heart
I gained a lot of weight
I lost a lot of weight
And I met someone…
Getting to know myself was not a pleasant experience.
A lot of blood, sweat and tears
In the most literal form
I had a lot of firsts that I still remember vividly
still feel vividly
and some I can still see.
These doctors said I was homesick.
I remember telling them I wasn’t
I loved being at CSUF and I was happy where I was
But they continued to tell me that I was depressed and anxious like all other college students away from home.
My 4 years of college did not consist of even one minute of being homesick
however,
when I moved back home after graduation,
I realized
that I was still feeling ‘homesick’
I am 27 now and I can tell you that I agree,
I was in fact
homesick
I was homesick far before going to college and long after.
homesick.
Ages 18-22 were the most memorable years of my life
But I met someone
me
I had no sense of self
no sense of community
How I felt about myself was influenced by others
And that’s all I knew
Going home to my dorm room
to my apartment
and going all the way back home to Connecticut…
never
felt
like
home
My parents BMW drove me anywhere I wanted to go
but not home
I went to school in LA!
My parents bought me anything I wanted
I wore the best clothes
loved my college
had great friends
loved my teammates
But was homeless
You are your own home
If you go back to your house after a long day at work
and something is missing
even when everything is there
that something,
is you.
