I have so much to say, but don’t know how to say it.
I have so many questions to ask but don’t know how to word them.
Always so scared that I’ll say the wrong thing or laugh when I shouldn’t.
Sick of people telling me how to feel,
telling me how to dress,
what looks good and what doesn’t.
And most of the time, it’s not even with words,
but with actions.
With raised eye brows and second looks,
with whispers and avoidance,
with paranoia driven scenarios constructed in my head.
Silence screams in my ear telling me not to speak,
telling me to put a sweater on,
telling me that no one cares,
that no ones listening,
that no one will notice.
I’m sick of feeling guilty for wearing what I want
or singing along to my favorite song.
I’m sick of feeling guilty for doing things for me,
because I want to do them.
Why must joy have consequences?
Why must companionship involve loneliness?
Why must blood be drawn to see the big picture?
Why must tears be shed to see things clearer?
Why must I hear the bad voices in order to appreciate the good?
No one sees me cry in the shower.
No one sees me skip meals.
No one sees me watch Anime with my brother.
No one hears our conversations.
No one sees me stare at the mirror.
No one reads my journal.
No one is with me day in and day out,
in this mind and body that is driven crazy by the most chaotic traffic jams.
I know myself better than anyone else does.
I spend more time with myself than with anyone else.
Therefore, I believe it is only fair that I make my decisions myself.
Without feeling guilty about what you think or want me to do.
Because you don’t know me,
you just know my award winning facade.
And even THAT is never good enough for you.
So why on Earth would I give you the privilege to making my decisions for me?
Why would I allow your opinion to so heavily influence my perspective on myself and my life?
Don’t tell me to stop being me,
because I haven’t even started.
Don’t tell me to stop hurting myself because the only person that’s hurting me is you.
I am my own person,
and I’ll be dammed before I give you power over my wrists.
