Sex is supposed to feel liberating,
Passionate…
Showing that vulnerability.
Making love should feel like it will last for eternity.
Well that was nothing like what I felt…
I feel a different more painful feeling
And I do suffer from PTSD because of it.
What happened? You ask…
Let me tell you the painful truth that is my own.
I always loved going to work…
Feeling important, saving lives.
Being a lifeguard made me feel wanted.
Then one night after work everything changed.
Feeling something hitting my body like a semi-truck.
Pushing into me, while my face was slammed into the backseat of my car.
That moment of not feeling vulnerable but helpless.
While this semi-truck feeling person moved my bathing suit aside…
And pounded into me,
“Fucking my brains out” was what he told me,
The words still burned in my mind, along with the smell of alcohol on his breath.
I didn’t know whether to feel pain or feel numb so I cried,
Hoping it would be done.
Thinking if this person ever loved once or if he was angry about something & I was the only target…
The weakest target.
And as he gripped my neck,
Cutting off all air from me…
The helplessness set in.
When the pain seized, the semi-truck was done with me.
As he pulled out if me & ran from the scene,
From the crime he committed, taking every ounce of dignity I had left, with him.
As I sat there on the parking lot floor all I could think of is,
“What have I done, to get this love making moment stolen from me?”
The darkness filled my body along with the mans poisonous cum that lingered inside me.
So what happened next?
I just drove, no destination, no meaning as to why, just drove.
I need up at the beach at one point.
As I sat in my car, I didn’t know where to go from there.
So instead I made way towards the water,
The sand sinking my every step I made.
A voice inside me telling me not to go in that water.
I wanted to die,
I wanted to drown that poison along with my life.
Then something amazing happened,
My best friend called me making sure I was home like always.
When I told her what happened she told me she was on her way.
So she can come save me from myself.
And as I waited I sank down in the sand, listening to the waves crash on the shore.
As I fell asleep on the sand, waiting for something horribly wrong to make this pain disappear forever.
That night was the night I lost my humanity.
Lost the fire that burned deep inside me.
And now seven years later I still feel that semi-truck.
After that I knew I’d never be the same.
