Everyone has a story, a journey that they have been on. Battles they have fought and fears that they have overcome. Well I’m about to tell you mine in the most raw and least vulgar way possible. And fair warning after any of my readers read this they will question if my courage was something that was really there. My answer to that is, Yes… Yes it was, but till this very day I still have noise in my head. Madness that makes me reach a certain insanity that takes weeks almost months to control. Continuing on, I make no promises on the profanity because who doesn’t like a little extra flair on a fucked up story?
Anyway, in my writings I have talked about my pain and depression but I also explained how I loved and overcame my demons in others. Well in this writing it has both. This is also not a poem or a piece devoted to a certain love I have for someone. Reason being is because I still have demons… No matter how hard I try to conquer them they’re still there, but instead of them being demons from this hell I have created and grown so fond of might I add. These creatures turned out to be more like sirens. Creatures calling to me, pulling me further and further under a enchanting spell. Drowning me deeper and deeper into the darkness I seem to never escape from. As I recover from my enchanted journey, I realized how fucked up my head really is. The shit that I been through and still going through. These sirens call to me when I’m at my most darkest point and all I’m left with is questions. What is the reason they show me the fucked up mess of a life I have had? Are they teaching me a lesson I was never taught in school? Are these creatures trying to show me my fate? How am I supposed to end this madness? All these twisted questions I have in this screwed up head of mine are continuously left unanswered and yes it drives me fucking insane trying to figure any of them out.
There are nights where I find peace and silence. No sirens. No creature trying to torture me. Which is another battle in itself because I am an over thinker. Why hasn’t my deadly creatures visited me yet? Are they waiting for a certain place to throw more shitty thoughts in my head? Make me more like the mad hatter, as I think of when they’re going to throw a shit storm at me? Yes, being an over thinker is a wonderful thing… And if you didn’t sense the sarcasm in that line well then you haven’t felt the side effects on being an over thinker ever. Like ever before in your little life, but that’s okay this is the reason for this fucking story. Anyway, being an over thinker is bullshit. It makes you question every little thing you say and do which explains this whole story like I said before, but I repeated myself for anyone who got lost in my insanity already.
Moving on, I have felt love and safety I can’t complain there. Being in love was like being on a high I never wanted to come down from. And overtime, I did start slowly coming down from that same high, but my hopeful ass believed that I could still be happy. For a period of time I was. All my walls were down and I felt complete. What person wouldn’t want to have that? Well that phase or the “honeymoon” phase ends for most couples. I say most couples because some couples are fucking lucky and are madly in love. Well I came crashing down from that high and I had no more hope. My hope got pulled down into that unknown darkness by the same hell creatures I have mentioned earlier. I was shattered, everything torn from me like a new toy getting pulled away from a child because they did something wrong. Was I that child getting that toy taken away? What did I do wrong? Is it fixable? More questions I couldn’t answer. As the tears dried and I came to realize I need to stay strong. I told myself that I was that child, but didn’t need that toy. That toy I couldn’t sleep without, the toy I thought I needed to hold and found comfort in. Reason I didn’t need that toy was because it was broken long before I could repair it. So yes, I did find the balls to move forward with my life and find something worth fighting for.
In search for that battle puts me where I am now. Still terrified that my sirens will come back. Will I be ready? I’m not sure. Will I let them drag me under once again? Probably. Will I ever recover from my broken past? Never. And that’s one thing no one thinks about, their past. Well let me break it down. I have left past relationships, that were killing me, in the past. At times, I did let it take over my present, which helped me realize that I don’t want to keep battling the same demons or sirens in my future. So what I did was let them go. Yes, it does sound easier than actually doing it but trust me it isn’t. I have struggled with these creatures for a majority of my life. And believe me they’re still there lurking in the darkness. The insanity led me down a very dark and twisted path which created a permanent home for my hell creatures. Am I completely separated from that path? No, I never will be. Do I believe I am strong enough to battle my sirens/demons again? Any fucking time, reason being is that I already lost myself before. I lost myself for all the wrong reasons. I made losing myself again not an option for me which takes years of practice and I’m still teaching myself. How I do this is by swallowing my pride and seek out my support system (the people I trust and love) for advice and help.
Overtime, everyone will come to realize that having a safety net is like a moving train, it constantly stops to let you off so you can continue on your next path. The train always comes back to take you on another journey you seek without even knowing. And when you feel like you’re on that train that’s when you have taught and learned how to quiet the insanity in your head and finally let your heart do the exploring for once.
In conclusion of this story, wasn’t to get pity or people who believe I’m an inspiration because that’s pure bullshit. I say this because everyone is their own inspiration even if they don’t see it now. Everyone does have the strength to overcome even their toughest of battles, they just have to find that strength. Remember you are the creator of your own story, so add dragons or witches or whatever the fuck you want and slay them. Once you do that you’ll be unstoppable in whatever story you create in your future.
Stay healthy, stay humble and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Show them you can and you will.
