I’m sitting here crying on your side of the bed,
and I’m trying to do my homework but your dad is hammering something into the wall in the next room,
and your cat is head butting me and trying to cuddle…
But the worst distraction of all is myself.
Because I’m sitting here on your side of the bed,
and I’m trying to consume the fact that I don’t know when I’ll ever be in this position again.
And it’s a pill I can’t swallow.
It’s a shot I can’t take.
I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to lay on your side of the bed in this room of yours in La Mirada, California and get annoyed at your dad hammering in the next room and try to do my homework while your cat is laying on my laptop.
I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to do that again.
And it’s simply
tearing
me
apart.
So… maybe, I can’t take you with me.
Maybe I’ll never be able to sleep on your side of the bed in this room of yours in La Mirada, California.
Maybe I’ll never again get annoyed at your dad hammering in the next room or try to do my homework while your cat is laying on my laptop.
Maybe I’ll never get to do those things.
But what about what I have done, already?
What about what WE’VE done, already?
We’ve been to so many different places that are so much better than me being alone on your side of the best in this room of yours in La Mirada, California.
And sometimes, we don’t even have to get out of the car to take a romantic stroll.
Sometimes, we don’t have to go to Cheesecake Factory to have a romantic dinner.
Sometimes, the moments that I want to keep forever are along the lines of the time when you surprised me at work with a mason jar of flowers because you knew that I was having a bad day,
and the time when you asked me to say something selfish, and then I told you that I loved you for the first time over the phone,
and all of the times you came to watch me at practice right after work…
and you would grab my bag without even asking if it was too heavy or if I wanted you to carry it, and you’d bring me water without even asking if I needed one…
and sometimes we would just sit outside and you’d hold my hand even though it was covered in dirt,
and you’d kiss my cheek even though it was covered in sweat,
and you’d tell me that I was beautiful..
and I believed you.
A moment I want to keep forever is when I walked away from you, because I wanted to get close to you but I was scared to get hurt again…
I ran away from my solution just to run into another problem…
but then you grabbed my arm, even when it was covered in cuts and scars and blood and tears and sadness and brokenness and you pulled me in tighter and told me you’d never let go.
You told me that you would never let me go, without even saying a word…
I now see that I don’t need to be on your side of the bed to feel close to you,
to feel your warmth.
If I’m going to remember something, if I’m going to recollect on a moment in time that we shared…
There’s no reason it has to be a sad one, for the happy ones most definitely outweigh the sad ones.
Without a doubt.
I won’t let go.
